Raising Children to be “Good Kids”

I’m at a point as a Mom where I feel like, “Is what I’m doing Working??” That feeling of questioning my whole existence of being a Mom, a SAHM that is. The kind of person he ends up being, in School, in life is totally based on if I’m doing a good job…and that’s stressful.  I was the type of Mom that didn’t believe in Crying it out, NO spanking,  I believed in Co-sleeping ( that ones kicking us in the ass now) I nursed for 2 years, I was about letting him make his own choices and voice his emotions, eat what he wanted (ooops this one too is hard now) My husband calls this the Peaceful Mom, I like that title, but in the disciplinary area, we have lacked totally. He walks all over us, calls our bluffs, totally knows how to work me, slams doors when he’s mad ( I guess the expressing his emotions was a bad one too) I mean everything I worked so hard to be peaceful at now seems to be turning to negative. I’m a bit confused, I don’t know the answers or what I’m doing wrong. Is there a big book of answers that tells me every parenting/child issue and the right way to solve it, It be worth millions!  How do you know that once they are out of your sight that they are respectful, listening, good members of society. On rough days like today ( we had quite a bit of arguing and negotiating about school and socks this morning) I just try and focus on how to change myself, because the situations are the same every morning. Like clockwork there is not wanting to go to school, arguing over eating, not wanting to wear socks, and then me being crazy Hulk woman and maxing myself out. We are out the door at 8:10 and he’s humming and singing in the car like nothing ever happened!! Its too much for me, by 8:30… am I ready for a nap…or a drink!! Did I fail or is there still time to change. I’m praying for change, by me, my reactions, my sanity good Lord. The love of a Mother and child is so strong, I mean I love this guy more than anything, I just need more respect and I need to start demanding it. I laugh and smile when I hear a mom say they have a Spirited child, because I do too, and I know exactly what they mean!! I don’t want to break his spirit, we need kids with imagination and spirit that aren’t broken, I just want some more boundaries. I need to learn to be more peaceful but firm…is that a thing:)

(Excuse any spelling errors, I frantically type on my phone!!)

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ROllin into 2016

So its a new year, 2016 and its time for change. Its a time everyone decides what they want in life and who they want to be. I read a quote the other day that said “Today is a new year, you have 365 blank pages to write.” I think about struggles I’ve had throughout the year that haven’t been resolved yet. Things  I want to change about myself buy haven’t been brave enough to change. I feel optimistic about the future and who I want to be. So that’s a start!  I’m thinking of new tattoo ideas and what will ignite my soul this year, how I can be a better wife and Mom, how I can be a better child of God. I’m thinking about the people that matter, and the ones I spend way too much time in my mind trying to figure out why they don’t try harder. I focus too much on what’s bothering me, my stomach, being dizzy, having little aches and pains, and pushing towards gratitude, being healthy, feeling strong, keeping the sun on my face, appreciating the little things. Felling blessed to be alive and having a family. I’m not really a New Years resolution kinda girl, but all about having balance and stability in the new year sounds pretty amazing to me. And lets get a little Hallelujah for winter break being over, all good things must come to an end and I’m ready to get some learning back into my sons life!

Finding your voice with Family and Holidays

I think when your a child of divorce, you grow up feeling like you have no voice. For me, I have a soft spoken tone anyway, If I don’t speak up I get walked on a lot, or treated like Im weak. I grew up in two households, one was a working Mom who worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to keep us in a good school district, and a Dad who made more in a month then she did in a year. We’d go from eating out wherever we wanted and going to concerts in a limo ( I know it embarrasses me too), to being told that the groceries Had to last until next payday. One thing I’m super proud of in my life is I married someone who not only understood me and my past, but also lived a hard life as a child. Its always nice to have someone understand the instability and chaos and not be judgmental about it. The holidays being up so many horrible feelings of  instability and sadness for me. I don’t want it to, I want my life to not keep having the same patterns with family members, but it always does. One thing I have just recently put my foot down with is being treated like my voice doesn’t matter. With my family, I am the one that has crazy anxiety, I am the one who always has to point out the fact that its Weird to pretend things are normal when they are not (AAh realness), I am the one who will disappear for months at a time when I feel like I have been treated bad. And that’s just me, I am the one who is just tired of fake BS in my life, and I wont pull my family into that. I don’t care if you are my immediate family, I deserve better and I am demanding better. I sometimes wonder how many families are the same, the ones who have to medicate to get through them, which I used to do in my more unhealthy days and we don’t see that. We see the perfect holiday cards and some of my relatives topped those and add a perfect family letter….. I just saw a sign at a boutique that read “I wish my life was as amazing as it looks on Facebook” that’s what I don’t want in my life. I have found my voice and it Screams I want real, I want raw, I want genuine, and I want it now. Having a family of my own its my job to not let my past influence my now, which is hard. My son sees me cry when I get off the phone with certain family members and I wish I could shield him from my pain. He’s very protective of me already and it feels nice to have people on my side. I wish I was cold to those emotions, but that’s not who I am, or who I want to be. It doesn’t send me in quite as bad tail-spin, so I figure that is progress.  I have found a great joy in getting special gifts for the good people in our day to day life, our friends kids, my son, and that’s what I need to refocus on. I have to let the other go. One of my Moms favorite sayings is “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I don’t really know my purpose in life, where I fit in or even if what I’m doing is right, but I am lucky to get up everyday and keep trying. I may still not be loud, but I know how to say no for myself without feeling bad, Ok I still feel bad but I’m a work in progress. 2 more weeks and then back to normal…

Holidays…Family Oh my

Holidays are such a strange time of year. From the outside, commercial side its about Santa, gifts, lights, bad music, spending $$$ you don’t have, the list goes on, and I love that part. Its the part that no one talks about, those issues you shove on the back burner the other 364 days a year….family! I’ve come to a place where I can honesty say everyone has their own family drama they deal with, its not just me, and I get that. I think when your dealing with parents, siblings relatives so many issues arise that we try to ignore. With me its hard because I have people that choose to not be part of my life or my family the other months of the year, but want to show the world how good a family we are around picture time. I’m just suppose to close my eyes and pretend to be a perfect image in their game. I think the dysfunction is thick and I’m at an age that I’m worth more than that. Before my married life, holidays bring back feelings of being a kid and having to choose which parent I wanted to be with, and knowing how hurt the other was, mostly my Mom. It was choosing between exciting or reliable and exciting always won, except I would have horrible stomach aches and feel guilty every time.  Its a feeling of being unhappy, aren’t I suppose to be happy. I wished the holidays would flash by and I could get back to normal. Since I have a 6 year old and a family of my own now I’ve tried to make new memories to block my old. They mostly revolve around a laid-back, relaxed, calm environment that is special to us. The trees, the Christmas lights, the movies, that belongs to us. I don’t want him to remember chaos, but simply family togetherness and giving. Oh and don’t get me started on the Elf that we were brainwashed to buy, I’m sorry I hate that guy!! I get this amazing gift of making his holidays magical and real, filled with love, faith, goodness, true friendships. Its those true friendships that have become our real family, our chosen family.  I cant change my past, and I know I cant change people. They might have not changed but I have. My favorite time is the ones where I stay up late and thank God for our warm home and the people and animals in it. Its my sons face on Christmas morning the first time he sees his gifts, that’s the magic I need in my life, the things that make my soul come alive, those real raw moments that I feel like I’m right where I should be. I created the love and the joy and calm that I needed. That’s what my new memories are all about.

School Parties…AAAAHHH so scary

So today was the first school parent party of the year. Lets just say its not one of my favorite things to do. I love my son, will do anything for him, so I put my big girl pants on and I did it, but they stress me out. Sometimes I feel like I’m just Way too nice of a person for where we live. Literally if I could show you a picture of the parking lot you’d think it was a high-end dealership mixed with mini vans. I go in with the best intention of making small talk, which I hate, and maybe meeting a new friend. Then reality sets in. (Parental anxiety) I’m suddenly in a high school movie where if your not in with the cool girls ( in Mom world its the ladies Cliqued together with their arms crossed) then nobody talks to you. EEEk, really do I have to relive my insecure teens again! I see a Mom standing alone, Ok I will put myself out there, say Hello and ask her name. She gave me a quick response, pointed out her kid, and then walked off….not what I expected but whatever!  Then the Moms in the corner, Do Not make eye Contact, I repeat DO Not make eye contact. Its really a silly thing. Our kids spend 40+ hours together a week and you wont say Hi. I’m better than that, but its hard as well. Do I want to be one of those Moms, Hell No, but it be nice sometimes to just have one person reach out, or feel how I do. I’m left with a feeling I’ve had my whole life, and its Where do I fit in? Its something I’ve always prayed about, and I really don’t know the answer yet. I always laugh with my Mom that it seems only old people like me, its something I’ve had my whole life. A bond with the elderly, ha! They talk to me like I’m a real person, they seem genuinely interested. Maybe they see something in me I don’t see.  I smiled and took pictures, got through the party. When we were leaving my son grabbed my hand (which in 6 year old boy/school/Mom situations is a no no) and said “When I saw your face walk in the classroom for my party, I almost cried I was so happy!) trying to hold back tears, God brought me back to a place of gratitude and reality. I might not know my place in this world, but to him I am his world, and for now that is more than enough for me.  I will keep smiling, keep being sweet, have a big heart and be thankful for who I know I am. I don’t have a whole lot to offer, but I will never look away from a smile, Ill never make someone else feel bad or uncomfortable and I will never let someone take away these sweet memories I have with the only child I may ever have.  Now I wait tell the holiday party!!!

My anxieties have anxieties!!

I have been dealing with a lot of anxieties lately. I feel like its years of pent up stress that was building building building until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. On those days the dark clouds fill my mind(which has been a lot lately) I am overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Its hard to explain to people, and for me a bit embarrassing that I look normal, but inside I’m a knot of worry. I want it to go away, I try and ignore it, but its just there lurking waiting for its moment to take me down. The uncertainty of myself is when it comes and takes over. I think mostly with me it bashes my confidence, makes me feel weak and not capable. It makes me want to cry but angry because I cant control it with all the yoga in the world, but I try.  A control freak, who cant control herself, there has to be some lesson in their! I wonder how other Moms look so together, so happy all the time, never sick,  so unstressed, and I don’t get it, what am I doing wrong. Where do I get that confidence back in myself. I want to be that Mom, the one not pulling her hair out with stress, and truth be told I have had many years much more stressful this this, but my bodies like Nope, time to deal with it now…I have to tell myself that every ones dealing with something, and I know better than anyone that the image people put forward isn’t always what’s really going on. I’m working hard to be confident with who I am, not what I’m not.  The number one thing I want to be is enough for my son, a Mom he’s not disappointed at, a Mom he’s proud of. I will fight my hardest for that. My anxiety wants to take that away from me, wants me to feel weak and unworthy, but I HAVE to believe God made me this way for a reason, even If I don’t understand. I’m not unworthy, I am who I meant to be. I just need to believe that myself.

Target is my Best Friend!!

So if your like me, you go into Target for Jelly, one thing, and you leave with $75 worth of monogramed coffee mugs, dog bones, a sports bra on sale, men’s pajamas, kids sunglasses, a picture frame from 4th of July and a bath towel! You get my point. I love their selection of clothes, if you pick right, and choose the right color, you cant tell if its high end or low end.  My goal with cheaper items is to always stay in the black or neutral color family. Obviously a $15 sweater looks cheap if its bright pink, but if its grey, no way can you tell where its from. So I have been lusting after some new black holy skinnies, but no way will I pay over  a certain amount of money on jeans with holes in them, they don’t have a long shelf life with having kids and normally the holes get so big they start to look inappropriate. So I found this amazing deal on these Mossimo jeans. $29.99 and they are perfect, higher rise, perfect placement of holes, super comfy,  great with tunic sweaters for fall, love love love. High-five:)